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Rocky's Father of the Bride Speech
for Kristina Ashley Oliver
(10 April 2010)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Rocky Oliver, the Father of the Bride. I'm sure you understand when I say that this is not only a huge day for Kristi and Jake, but also for my myself and my family as well. In fact, I believe there's a condolence book on the table at the back of the room. Signing it would demonstrate your understanding of my, ahem, "plight". A generous donation in the box next to the book might provide a more practical demonstration of your understanding of this plight, and might go some way to relieving it.

Oh, and before I begin I must warn you - a part of my professional life is as a professional writer and speaker, so I am one of those from the school of "why use 3 words when ten would do", so please bear with me...

It gives me great pleasure to welcome y'all here. Debbie and I are delighted to share with you this wonderful occasion - our daughter Kristi's marriage to such a great guy, Jake Thornton. I want to also let you know that Debbie and I appreciate you setting aside such an amazing day to share it with us. I know many of you traveled from near and far to be here with us, and I have to tell you that this day would just not be the same without you.

Kristi, my sweet Pooh Bear, is Debbie and my first-born. We knew almost instantly that Kristi would be a special girl who marched to her own drummer. Debbie was induced on March 13th, but of course Kristi would control when she wanted to come, on her own time - so she showed up at four minutes' after midnight on March 14th.

Her independent streak was quickly confirmed as no fluke. From naming all of her babies with names we've never heard of - Susan, one-legged Susan, and - "Kars", Kristi? To this day I have NO idea what that was. In any case Debbie and I couldn't wait to see what would come out of that little mind next.

Another quick example. Kristi learned to read and write very young - at four years' old. And shortly after mastering her name - both her given name Kristina and her nickname, Kristi - she informed Debbie and me one day that she didn't like the "e" at the end of Kristi, and was going to drop it. Folks, she was FIVE, and was already very self-determined.

Now every parent thinks their kid is special; however Kristi made it pretty apparent that she truly was. Even at a young age she demonstrated an uncanny sense of self-preservation. For instance many babies will crawl right off the edge of the bed without hesitation; Kristi always stopped right at the edge, seeming to just know that she shouldn't go forward. This would be an early indicator that Kristi is a thinker - she considers everything, carefully assessing any situation and weighing her options before proceeding. This traight would serve her well in life, I knew, but I wondered if she'd be too cautious when it came to love. Once again she proved that I had nothing to worry about.

As Jake entered our life, it was very apparent early on that there was a special, deeper bond between those two. Now, we had our, ahem, "confrontations" and concerns over some of their decisions, but throughout it all I always knew that Jake was here for the long haul, and he was committed to my minimal requirement for loving my daughter - you must do nothing less than worship the ground she walks on.

Now the beautiful part of this is that I know she worships your ground too, Jake; however there are a few things that I think I should tell you - man to man, dude to dude, obedient and humble servant to fellow obedient and humble servant.

The most amazing thing is that you don't CARE that you must serve her happiness - those amazing eyes of hers make you want to do whatever you can to keep them bright and happy. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her - and I think it was the same for you, too. Of course she practiced all of those looks on me over these years, and now that she's refined it to an art form you're going to get the full benefit. Good luck with that.

Something else I am sure you've come to realize - Kristi is brilliant. Scary friggin' brilliant. Now, for those of you who don't know, Kristi skipped a grade. She terrified an elementary teacher right before she skipped the second grade, I truly believe because the teacher thought - or maybe knew - that Kristi was smarter than her. At 8 years old. What was the tip-off? Things like... Kristi finishing her entire day's worth of work in 10 minutes, and then she'd pull out the "Wizard of Oz" to read. Now this was not the Disney picture book version - I'm talking about the original friggin' novel. And let me remind you she was EIGHT. Now, Jake, you get to benefit from her brilliance, but let me warn you that you better have your ducks in a row if you're going to challenge her in a battle of wits, because I can assure you she comes fully armed and prepared for battle. The best part, though, is that now that you two are a team she's on your side, and more often than not that awesome power works for you, not against you. Hopefully. For your sake.

But even with her independence and brilliance, I honestly didn't know what her greatest gift was until Kristi and Jake blessed our family with that beautiful young grandson of ours, Brody Lee. Kristi is a truly wonderful mom. I have never seen a young woman instantly fall into being such a natural mother as she was and is. She is an incredible mother, wise beyond her years, and Brody is such a lucky little man to have Kristi as a mother - and then he gets the added benefit of having an amazing, young, exceptional, fun father in Jake. Man, Brody, you have it made already! And Kristi, you're probably sick of hearing it from me, but I could not be more proud of you and the way you have grown into such an amazing young woman and mother.

OK, ok, I do have one confession. With all of her amazing talents and wonderful qualities, I do believe there may be a chink in this young woman's armor, and I feel I owe you fair warning. You need to keep a close eye on Kristi's cooking skills - more specifically, her palate - as I'm not quite sure it developed like yours, mine... or any other normal human for that matter. My first hint that this may be a weakness for her came when she was no more than 3 years old. I was in the kitchen making her lunch one day, and I asked her what she wanted. She immediately said that she wanted a - I kid you not - peanut-butter and MAYONNAISE sandwich. I asked her where she had heard of that, and she swore she just made it up and thought it would be good. So, being a responsible parent and wanting to teach her a lesson I decided to make her a half-sandwich, and then I sternly informed her that she must eat every single bite. Much to my chagrin (and disgust) she ate every bite and asked me for TWO more that day. It became a regular staple of her lunches, and I catch her making one occasionally to this day. So first I think you should all thank Debbie for handling the menu today, and Jake I think you may want to take an active role in the menu creation, at least for awhile - for both you and Brody's sake.

Jake, let me offer you my congratulations! You are now a married man - the husband of my firstborn daughter. Thank you for that, for loving her so and taking such good care of her and Brody. The strength of the growing friendship, the commitment, and the love between you two can overcome all of the obstacles in your way, and I know I speak for Debbie when I say I am so proud of the both of you.

And Jake, all of these things - the way you love my daughter, the way you love and take care of my grandson, and the way you've demonstrated your love for the rest of my family - has fostered and nutured my deep love for you, son.

I am so proud to call you my son-in-law, but to be honest to to me you simply are my son. I don't want to get too sappy, but let me just say this, today, amongst friends, family, and loved ones: I truly love you, son, as I know the rest of us do.

Now, on this day, the occasion of your wedding, I have the privilege of welcoming you and your family formally to be part of ours.

I am very, very proud to do so.

Molly and John, Danny and Sarah... you have an amazing, caring, wonderful son. We are honored that he has chosen our daughter as his life partner. Welcome to our family! Well, I say welcome, but I already feel like we've been family for awhile; and I can't wait to deepen and strengthen our love and bond as a combined, stronger family.

Now it's traditional for the father of the bride to offer advice so that this happy, new, young couple you see before you now will still be together, beaming fondly at each other, in 50 years' time. And I think I speak with a bit of wisdom and authority on this point, and Debbie and I are half way there - 25 years of marriage - this year!

As you know I take great pride in bringing in wisdom from whereever I happen to find it. Here are some nuggets I found that I want to share with you.

Henry Youngman, and old (and amazing) comedian, offers this insight: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

President Lyndon B Johnson offered this advice: "I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it."

The amazing Groucho Marx offered this: "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut... and his checkbook open."

All of these are funny, but there is a ring of truth to them all, and it is readily apparent to those of us who are fortunate enough to have a life partner. Some of the distilled truths here include:

• Don't be afraid to be independent and retain your own identity. Being strong individually will make you even stronger as a couple. Allow each other the freedom to be an individual. The old saying that the "sum is greater than the parts" is never more true - the stronger the parts, the stronger the sum. When you respect each other and work together as a team there is nothing - NOTHING - you can't overcome or accomplish together.
• Pick your battles. You're both young, and the fallacy of the young is that they believe they have to win every battle. You don't. Before you engaged in pitched warfare with your life partner, the parent of your child, take a moment, step back, and decide - is this really that important? Why? Sometimes the lost fight isn't really lost inthe long run.
• When fights occur, keep in mind: "This too shall pass." Remember, the fight you have today is only as important - or inconsequential - as YOU make it.
• Make your primary goal and commitment to each other to make each other happy. Work for that. There is no greater love than the act of SELFLESS love.
• The most important of all is really quite simple: communicate - let each other know what is going on - share EVERYTHING. You must be able to tell your life partner anything and everything, without reservation. The greatest lesson my mom taught me is the saying, I'd rather hear the awful truth than a beautiful lie, meaning that no lie is more important than the truth, no matter what that truth may be. Make this saying a part of your "ground rules" for your partnership, and you'll be able to weather any crisis, together, as one.

So friends, family, and loved ones, please join me in raising a glass to this young, joyful couple on this momentous day.

May you be friends to each other as only lovers can;
and may you love each other as only best friends can.

Here's to your joy and ours, from this day forward, forever.

We love you.

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That's it! Let me know what you think.

Rock, proud father of the bride