Understanding Engineers
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Ed. Note: Bob Balaban sent these to me, and they were so funny I had to share. So, thanks to Bob, and to the rest of you - Enjoy! **Rock
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?! We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." ... "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy to see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste treatment pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said, "I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. "
The artist said, "I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I find with her. "
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Have a great weekend folks. Oh, and if you have any of these "Understanding Engineers" jokes you want to share, please do!!
Rock
***Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
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The Doctor said, "When God created Eve, he formed her from Adam's rib. This was a remarkable feat of surgery, therefore Medicine is the oldest profession."
The Engineer said, "But before God created Adam and Eve, he created the Earth in just six days. That, my dear Doctor, was a remarkable feat of Engineering -- on time and under budget, so clearly Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer said, "Gentlemen, before God created Earth, what was there? Chaos! And I ask you, gentlemen, who but a Lawyer could have created chaos?!!"
An Engineeer, a Physicist and a Mathematician were at a hotel.
At 2 AM, the Engineer woke up and smelled smoke. He went into the hall and saw a small fire. He returned to his room, filled the ice bucket with water, went back into the hall, thew the entire bucket of water on the fire, went back into his room and went back to bed.
At 3 AM, the Physicist woke up and smelled smoke. He went into the hall and saw a small fire. He returned to his room and got a thermometer, taking careful measurements of heat at various distances from the fire. He did some calculations to determine the rate of oxidation that created the measured the heat output, and further calculations to determine the exact amount of water required to put out the flames. He returned to the room, got a ruler and measured the dimensions and volume of the ice bucket. He determined the exact level that the correct volume of water would rise to in the bucket, made a mark filled the bucket to that level, went back into the hall, poured the water on the fire, and went back to bed.
At 4 AM the Mathematician woke up and smelled smoke. He went out into the hall and saw a small fire. He stood there, thinking and calculating He stood there some more, thinking and calculating some more. He continued to stand there for some time, continuing to think and calculate. After several minutes, he spoke: "A solution exists! I have proven it." Then he went back to bed.
Posted by Richard Schwartz At 04:10:25 PM On 05/05/2006 | - Website - |
I've got a few more (mixed in with other types of humour (and even "humor") over at http://asiapac.com.au/Links/FunnyStuff.htm or its backup/mirror at http://notestracker.com/Links/FunnyStuff.htm
Posted by Tony Austin At 07:47:23 PM On 06/06/2006 | - Website - |
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
Posted by Susan Bulloch At 02:44:49 PM On 05/06/2006 | - Website - |
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the geek, half the water is in a redundant glass
Posted by Alan Bell At 04:29:22 AM On 05/10/2006 | - Website - |
Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence.
Posted by Dragon Cotterill At 05:52:34 AM On 05/08/2006 | - Website - |
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Posted by Timothy Briley At 02:14:43 PM On 05/10/2006 | - Website - |
Ordinary workers, developers: Football, basketball, rugby.
Supervisors: Bowling
Managers: Baseball
Executives: Golf
Moral of this story? The higher up the corporate ladder you go, the smaller your balls become.
Posted by Dragon Cotterill At 07:23:18 AM On 05/09/2006 | - Website - |
O.K., as I consider myself to be an ex-engineer, I'll throw in one more (hope my translation will not spoil it completely):
A biologist, an engineer and a mathematician are travelling by train through a territory they've never been to before. Suddenly, over on a hill they recognize a black sheep.
The biologist jumps up in excitement and cries out: "They have black sheeps here!".
The engineer corrects him: "Not so fast, my overhasty friend. They have at least one black sheep here."
The mathematician keeps to himself, smiling for a while, until the other two ask him what he's thinking. "I can hardly beleive, both of you hold a scientific degree, jumping to conclusions without ever applying the laws of logics. They have at least one sheep here that is black from at least one side."
Posted by harkpabst_meliantrop At 05:09:03 AM On 05/06/2006 | - Website - |
The man on the street responded, "You're approximately 20 feet above me, in a hot air balloon."
The man in the balloon called back, "You must be an engineer.".
"I am", responded the man on the street. "How did you know?"
"Because, though everything you told me was true", replied the man in the baloon, "it hasn't helped me at all."
The man on the street shouted back,"You must be a manager."
"I am", responded the man in the balloon. "How did you know?"
"Because, though you got yourself into the predicament you're in, and have no idea where you are or where you're going, now it's my fault."
Posted by ChangeWarrior (Deb) At 09:17:23 PM On 05/05/2006 | - Website - |
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Posted by David Bohlin At 12:01:14 PM On 05/18/2006 | - Website - |
Posted by Gregg Smith At 03:06:24 PM On 05/05/2006 | - Website - |
12. "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11. "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this database!"
10. "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
9. "Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8. "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make database 'releases.' Our databases 'escape' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
7. "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6. "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our databases do not coddle the weak."
5. "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
4. "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3. "By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
2. "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
1. "Our users will know fear and cower before our databases. Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
Posted by Dragon Cotterill At 05:44:42 AM On 05/08/2006 | - Website - |